Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The pasta is now
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming