HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.