Thrilling chase underway
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Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.