Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
put ‘er there pardner!
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.