No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
You sure about that?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer