A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.