Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me