All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
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Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late