Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Pass gas, not judgment.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”