I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Happens to everyone.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon