What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
me as a parent
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up