My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
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You had me at “define legal”.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.