screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Selfie
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*