[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer