“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
You Might Also Like
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.