If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.