[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
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Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
This hospital has everything
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
what’s more important?
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas