I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance