I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Where’s my employee discount too?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.