DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.