A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.