Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
based al yankovic