Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.