If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
meanwhile over on facebook
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day