Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
This tweet has been deleted
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.