You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
🍛
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.