if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
road rage
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks