Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
OH. COME. ON.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?