Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
BaD BoY!!
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs