karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.