Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.