adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Moms. The original autocorrect.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My teenage children choosing violence
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare