Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
(by @ZachWeiner )
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Always.
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂