Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
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Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?