My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.