LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Smells like a challenge to me
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Oceanography is all about current events
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?