I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
You Might Also Like
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
😂😂
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
When I can’t barge, I careen.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant