It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
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I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Never forget.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
one last job
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.