If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Monday?
No. Next question.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.