Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
You Might Also Like
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
A roof is a house hat.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
#parenting
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset