Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
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i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.