” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.