Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Jesus Christ lmao
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed