Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I think I’ll stand
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.