[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
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I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Twitter is an abusement park.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Love is always patient and kind.