Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.