[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on