*updates tinder bio*
You Might Also Like
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…