[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.