I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Jesus Christ lmao
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese